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In just a few short years or months or days or something, Capcom will be releasing the sequel to their smash hit, Mega Man Battle Network, entitled Mega Man Battle Network 2. In typical Capcom fashion, it’s the exact same fucking game as the first one. It should be called Mega Man Battle Network Episode 2: Attack of the Clones. HA HA HA HA HA!!! GET IT!? BECAUSE IT’S THE SAME THING AS THE FIRST ONE, BUT IT’S THE SECOND, AND THE SECOND STAR WARS MOVIE JUST CAME OUT!!! GET IT?! THAT JOKE IS HIP, TRENDY, AND CUTTING EDGE STUFF, NIGGA DAWG!!!
You know, Capcom really does release the same damn game over and over again. Mega Man 1 through 4 billion, all the same. Then you have the Mega Man X series, which is the same as the regular Mega Man series. Then there's Street Fighter. They released Street Fighter 2 about 17 times, and then they released it again but couldn't think of any new words to add to the end of it after Super Hyper Mega Street Fighter 2 Turbo Alpha Ultra Sexy-tron VS. Street Fighter with Non-Street Fighter Characters Omega Hyper Beam Drive, so they named it Street Fighter 3 or something like that. Then you have Resident Evil, which has about 6 or 7 thousand sequels, spin-offs, rip-offs, and spin-off sequels that happen to also be rip-offs. Then there’s Onimusha, which is kinda like Devil May Cry, and they’re both kinda like Resident Evil, but not really. Either way, I’m sure it will spawn about a billion sequels. Didn’t they already make a sequel or remake or something called Onimusha Warlords? And isn’t there a Devil May Cry 2 in the works? Anyway, the point is Capcom comes up with an original idea every few years or so, then just recreates the same damn game over and over again.
Actually, that’s not the point of this at all. The point of this is to review Mega Man Battle Network, which is a shitty game. I could go on and on about graphics and music and gameplay, but we’ll just say they’re all boring crap and leave it at that. What I’m concerned with is the story. And what a story it is! I will be walking you through the story, detailing many of the more important points, until I just can’t play any further into the game. There will be spoilers, but, really, they’re more like warnings. Warnings of just how batshit looney this game really is. Here we go!
The game starts off with our young hero, named Lan, asleep in his bed. Then he gets up and goes to school, because that’s what good little boys are supposed to do, you worthless pile of monkey scrotum! Go to school! I didn’t go to school, and look at me! LOOK AT ME!!!
When he gets to school, he finds out something terribly dastardly is afoot, and it must be the WWW behind the whole thing. What exactly is the WWW? I have no idea, but I’m guessing it’s an evil corporation or militia or tree house somewhere, hell-bent on taking over the world. And how do they do it!?
That’s right, they make ovens spit fire! How do they do this? Well, you see, in the futuristic world that is Mega Man Battle Network, everything is hooked up to the Internet. Everything. Ovens, cars, the doghouse, televisions, chairs, babies, everything! What exactly would a person need with an oven that is constantly connected to the Internet? There are a number of reasons, all of which are being able to download porn while baking a pie! And if Hollywood is to be believed, surely there’s nothing better than sticking your throbbing penis into a hot apple pie. How did people ever get along before ovens came with DSL connections? And that’s why the WWW wants to make your oven spit fire at you! You must obey the WWW or else you will not be able to cook your potatoes without becoming dead! I stole that last sentence from 0kelvin.
After a hard day at school, you must hurry home to download porn off the oven, only to find that a strange man is in your house. But do not worry, young ones! This man just wants to fix the control panel that controls all the electronic devices in your house and possibly sexually assault your mother! So you decide to go to your room and “Jack in”. No, no, that’s not a typo; you really do “Jack in”. But what exactly is “Jack in”, other than a really stupid thing to laugh at simply because it almost sounds like “Jack off”? It’s when you put your Megaman.exe (Mega Man, for those of you who are stupid) into one of the many objects in the world that can be used to download the latest erotic Star Wars fanfics and tentacle rape porn. Mega Man then runs around in a retarded looking maze, busting many, many viruses, and generally being sexy! It’s the Internet of the future, people, and it’s even more boring than it is now!
After your jack off session in your room, you go out to the kitchen to see if your mother has made you a snack, because that bitch is only here for two things. To pick out sexually attractive lamp stands and to bake you goodies! But, there’s a problem when you go to the kitchen!
The oven has spit up fireballs all over itself!
It’s up to Lan and Mega Man to jack in to the oven and defeat the evil virus that was put in there by the WWW. But how did it get in there? Hmm… it’s a mystery. A mystery that only Sherlock Holmes himself could unravel, unless of course you’re not completely fucking retarded. Here’s a hint. The repairman did it!
Once you defeat the repairman and his little Internet robot battle program buddy thing, Fire Man, the fire all goes away, which makes perfect sense since fire is actually just an electronic computer program. It makes just as much sense as an electric oven connected to the Internet getting a computer virus which causes it to create and spew fire!
After this ordeal, you decide it’s up to you to save the world. How do you do this? You go about your daily life, waiting for the WWW to strike again, of course. What a hero that Lan is! He’ll risk his stupid little computer program friend to save the world, so long as the threat comes to him. I guess it makes sense, though. Who wants to go on a huge, world-spanning journey to save the world when you can just sit on your lazy ass and wait for the evil to come into your own home?
Next, what happens is nut-crunchingly shocking! Well, it’s actually not, but it at least makes a little bit of sense. The WWW has many of its employees become teachers in the various schools across the country or world or universe or something. Those WWW employees then put a virus in the school’s network that causes parts of the network to become disconnected and which also plays an announcement over all the computers and blackboards (which are also computers) and desks (which are computers, as well) and stuff. It also causes all the doors to lock. The announcement then brainwashes the kids into committing evil Internet crimes, like using your credit card number to access porn sites and spamming your email account with messages like “GET BIGGER PENIS NO HASSLE FREE!!!!!!!!!” and “young girls who like to play down on the farm akh29jahf-v38285”. As usual, it’s up to Lan and his Mega Man to save the day, because everyone else is stupid and incompetent! Luckily for you, Lan is just stupid.
Once you get to the evil virus, you must, of course, do battle with it. No calm negotiations here. You must come out with guns ablazing! Your opponent this time is Number Man! Ooh, fear the power of numbers! After you defeat the laughably easy and easily stupid Number Man, the evil non-teacher says he’s sorry and everyone is happy. For now…
But, then, you realize that today is the day the subway station opens! Hooray! What little boy isn’t excited about subway stations!? You decide to get on the subway and go see your dad at wherever the fuck he is. There’s a problem, however! There’s been a landslide of some sort! Ok, I understand that if there’s a landslide in the tunnels, the subway can’t run. But, when I ask one of the guys who work there how it happened, he gives me some bullshit explanation about how the whole thing is run by computer (just like every other fucking thing in this game) and that when there’s an emergency, the trains shouldn’t go, but someone hacked into the system and gave it a virus. So, I guess that means the trains go when they’re not supposed to, which is a problem. Nobody wants to get on a train if the train’s destination is fiery death, but that doesn’t explain how the hell the landslide happened. What, instead of support beams and walls, they used computer programming to hold the tunnels up? How the fuck would a computer virus cause a landslide, and how the fuck does running Norton AntiVirus make a landslide magically disappear? This game makes my brain scream!
Of course, the only way to make the rocks disappear is to go through the Internet from your own computer to a big fat kid’s computer, because the virus is obviously in the fat kid’s computer even though it’s affecting the subway station and the fat kid has nothing to do with anything except that he’s fat and he has a Gamecube that you can also jack into. Why you wouldn’t just use the fat kid’s computer, since you can just run through everyone’s house, is beyond me, but I guess it’s because the fat kid also smells funny. You want to fight crime without smelling a kid who probably grew up in a dirty gas station toilet. Also, check out the fat kid’s house!
After you defeat the virus that caused a landslide using magic electronic rock powers, you can then ride subway to the Government Facility! And I’m sure the government will happily let a kid who ALWAYS FUCKING WEARS ROLLERBLADES wander around the building for no damn good reason!
It was right about here that I passed out from sheer stupidity. I just couldn’t continue one. The game never tells you where you need to go, so you need to jack into every single stupid thing to find every single stupid program so that you can go all the way back to your house, to your computer, and go all the way through the Internet about fifty dozen times so that you can access another large, boring, stupid area so that you can stop another stupid virus that somehow has the ability to suck water from a fountain or cause babies to explode or something inane like that. This is, without a doubt, one of the shittiest games I have ever played, and I hope none of you spend your money on this horrible excuse of a Mega Man game or the sequel, which, I repeat, is the exact same game!
I leave you with a bit of the article at IGN.com that first told me of the impending doom that is Mega Man Battle Network 2.
“In Mega Man Battle Network 2, Mega Man.EXE is in major trouble. A new net crime organization has arisen and has created a new virus that's destroying every circuit in its path. You'll need to put these viruses in their place and prevent them from spreading.”
That’s the exact same story as in the first Mega Man Battle Network, by the way.
“The sequel features an advanced battle system that allows gamers to change the look of Mega Man based on their playing style. Mega Man can use battle chips as weapons as well as to replenish health, or to escape, or to perform special attacks. And like the original, the sequel will allow players to trade chips and battle each other over the link cable.”
The only difference here is that in the sequel, you can change Mega Man to a disgusting yellow or vomit inducing red. Everything is the same, right down to the battle chips, which I might add, can never be used up! Once you have a battle chip, you have it forever. It makes the whole battle chip collecting thing useless! Once you have the basic battle chips, you never need to get any others, and since battle chips are the only thing you can buy, you never need to spend any money, which is annoying since you get about 7 billion zenny (like dollars, only with a stupid name) every time you defeat a bad guy or find a stupid cube thing or unlock a door or move in any way or fucking breath!
Mega Man Battle Network is a waste of time. Don’t buy it. Don’t rent it. Don’t even steal it off the Internet!
Graphics: -5
Sound: -10
Story: -10
Gameplay: -10
Fun: -10
Overall rating: -45
Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst). This rating system was stolen from Something Awful, as well as this little blurb about how the rating system works. If you don’t like it, shut up! Nobody cares what you think!